One Year, Then One Day, Part II

(Finally ready to write it.)

When it happens that you wake up one day, ready to look people in the eyes, ready to stop making excuses, ready to make a life instead of watch it go by, you realize you can do things. You can do anything. You realize that in almost every case, the only person stopping you from doing something is you.

Including doing things like liking a guy who isn't your missionary boyfriend. One year I was so broken up about boyf's departure that making it to class was the victory for the day, every day. Then one day I was on the verge of standing outside some other boy's window and waiting until he came down and took that pain and struggle away.

He was wonderful and things were moving along, but I knew I had a choice to make.

I wish I could remember now the moment I chose boyf, but I can't. Burned into me, though, is the letter boyf sent in reply. I'd told him what had happened, and boyf opened with, "I know, I've been waiting for you to tell me." (If you ever meet someone who can read your soul like that from tiny details across weeks or months, you know you've found your best friend.)

He said this:

"It's one of the last things I asked you to do before I left--find out if you want me or if you want someone else. I don't question that you love me. Whenever something similar to this topic comes up, you automatically relate it with our love, but sometimes love doesn't play the largest role. Sometimes we have to look at the big picture, and the big picture is, maybe you don't want to wait, even though you love me. Or maybe the big picture is you like another guy and you should be with him, or you should be with him right now. Maybe you're hiding that from the world, because you don't want them to say you didn't really (or don't really) love me. This is all a bunch of bullcrap, but I love you, and I don't want you to be crazy just because you're in love."

Someday he'll be home from his mission, and I will have to stop passing on his beautiful speeches to you, but this one seeps in beyond him and me. Dancing through life, never loitering, will lead you on a wild ride to many experiences and also many mistakes. Keeping in view the big picture, however, is what allows you to learn from both. And I believe that someday, if we can do both, we'll find that all of the triumphs and mistakes we thought were ours were about something bigger than us all along.

(Also, if you ever find someone whose patience, groundedness, and compassion never cease to surprise you, you should probably marry him.)